My one big struggle.

OK, so I know, two posts from me in one night. Is she sick or something? Obviously something must be terribly wrong... well, no. I am just trying to vent something that has been looming over me for a while. Over 5 years to be more exact.

So here it comes. We are called to live with great expectation of the coming again of Christ (1 Pet. 1:2-4). It should shape our lives, cause us to act and respond unlike any other people group, and ultimately be the end product of our thoughts/days/you name it. I also know that we are sinners at the time of conception (Ps. 51:4-6). And to top that, the only way to salvation is to confess with your mouth, repent and ask forgiveness of Jesus Christ , to be born again with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit (Rom. 10:9-10).

So here now is where I am struggling.  How am I as a mother supposed to have great expectation of Christ's return when my babies aren't going to be in eternity with me? I know that our purpose on earth and in heaven is to glorify Christ, but the human part of me, the mother part of me just wants to scream "WAIT!!! Don't come yet!!! My babies aren't ready yet...  I'm not ready yet..." 

Now I know that their are a lot of different views on this. I had been taught a good portion of my life that their was an age of accountability, that it didn't apply until... you fill in an age. Well, I feel as though there is no biblical backing to that. If we are born sinners and the only way to heaven is to confess and believe in your heart, well, my babies can't do that yet.  I can't have great expectation. I have tried. I have prayed. Fervently.  And I fear that I am doing an injustice to myself, my family, and least of all, my God. I have shared this with a few people, as it is my absolute most greatest fear. The fear that my children won't accept Christ as their Lord. Their Savior.  And believe me, it is the most talked about topic between me and God.

So now, I don't have an answer to my dilemma, my struggle, my one biggest fear, but I do know that God is holy, just, and sovereign. And while I find myself falling back to my screams of "NOT YET!" I know that He has the game plan, He knows the future, He calls the shots, He calls the audibles, He has ultimate authority and I need to rest in that assurance. As hard as that is for me.  I don't know if I will ever get past this. I do know that it drives a lot of conversation with me and the kiddos. I know they are soaking it in, even if there isn't fruit yet. I also know that it is my responsibility as a mother to live out what I believe and that it can speak volumes to them more than any sermon I could ever give (I'm boring anyway).

I just thought I would share. Maybe I am being over emotional... I am pregnant you know. But it truly has been on my heart for over 5 years and I hope that one day I will find peace about it. Complete peace that I couldn't explain to anyone.