My one big struggle.

OK, so I know, two posts from me in one night. Is she sick or something? Obviously something must be terribly wrong... well, no. I am just trying to vent something that has been looming over me for a while. Over 5 years to be more exact.

So here it comes. We are called to live with great expectation of the coming again of Christ (1 Pet. 1:2-4). It should shape our lives, cause us to act and respond unlike any other people group, and ultimately be the end product of our thoughts/days/you name it. I also know that we are sinners at the time of conception (Ps. 51:4-6). And to top that, the only way to salvation is to confess with your mouth, repent and ask forgiveness of Jesus Christ , to be born again with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit (Rom. 10:9-10).

So here now is where I am struggling.  How am I as a mother supposed to have great expectation of Christ's return when my babies aren't going to be in eternity with me? I know that our purpose on earth and in heaven is to glorify Christ, but the human part of me, the mother part of me just wants to scream "WAIT!!! Don't come yet!!! My babies aren't ready yet...  I'm not ready yet..." 

Now I know that their are a lot of different views on this. I had been taught a good portion of my life that their was an age of accountability, that it didn't apply until... you fill in an age. Well, I feel as though there is no biblical backing to that. If we are born sinners and the only way to heaven is to confess and believe in your heart, well, my babies can't do that yet.  I can't have great expectation. I have tried. I have prayed. Fervently.  And I fear that I am doing an injustice to myself, my family, and least of all, my God. I have shared this with a few people, as it is my absolute most greatest fear. The fear that my children won't accept Christ as their Lord. Their Savior.  And believe me, it is the most talked about topic between me and God.

So now, I don't have an answer to my dilemma, my struggle, my one biggest fear, but I do know that God is holy, just, and sovereign. And while I find myself falling back to my screams of "NOT YET!" I know that He has the game plan, He knows the future, He calls the shots, He calls the audibles, He has ultimate authority and I need to rest in that assurance. As hard as that is for me.  I don't know if I will ever get past this. I do know that it drives a lot of conversation with me and the kiddos. I know they are soaking it in, even if there isn't fruit yet. I also know that it is my responsibility as a mother to live out what I believe and that it can speak volumes to them more than any sermon I could ever give (I'm boring anyway).

I just thought I would share. Maybe I am being over emotional... I am pregnant you know. But it truly has been on my heart for over 5 years and I hope that one day I will find peace about it. Complete peace that I couldn't explain to anyone.

Is this blog thing really for me?

So, I have been thinking lately that I am not really sure if this blog thing is worth it? Kind of feel like it is my own little station tuned just to me... slightly egotistical... don't ya think? Anyway, haven't decided yet. I am also always plagued by my father when I do ANYTHING on the internet as to how safe and how much info is being released. I love having him in my head like my own personal angel/demon. Him on one shoulder reminding me how dangerous the internet is and how personal info can be stolen/pictures of your kids leaked and me on the other shoulder wanting to show off my kids and keep in the loop. If I start swinging a fly swatter around I have NOT gone crazy... hehe, well, maybe.
I will keep thinking on this. I love to read everyone's blog, and Lord knows I like to talk/type and post pics of my adorable trio... I just haven't decided. I have done the same thing with Facebook. I keep vacillating, To have or have not... a facebook account?
Well, obviously since I am making a post the little me on my shoulder has successfully fly swatted the little "helpful dad" on the other shoulder. I am posting just some recent pics before I lose my footing on my shoulder and the fly swatter comes after me.

We are now officially rolling over. Hard to believe. Didn't I just have her?

Ikee talked GGPa into feeding him. I think it was the big blue eyes that did GGPa in.

One happy mama.

Ikee had to get in on the action. He actually did pretty good, for a boy.

She was actually yelling at Ikee. Crack me up.

I think he is looking more and more like Jeff everyday.

It's gonna be an adventure around here once these two get older.
OK, last one. Couldn't help myself.

I did it. Really.

OK, So I did it. I didn't back out. After over a decade of having the same haircut, for the most part, I had it cut off. It's short, for me at least. and I have yet to learn how to style it, but it is gone. I hold in my hand a braid of hair ready to send off to Locks of Love. But I like the cut. I hope I can continue to make it cute... you see, there is a reason I never cut my hair. it's because I don't know how to do my hair. So, let the battle begin. I plan to win.

A little something about Kate

So I have come to realization lately that I am a sports fanatic. I know, rather stupid coming from the queen of clutziness and lack any and all hand-eye coordination. But this can not stop me from watching other talented people play sports! You see, I am even getting excited just thinking about it. When LeBron James announced who he was going to play with, we waited all day, of course...all ears. Last night, Jeff and I discussed who we planned on drafting for our fantasy football teams...of course, first on my list was Tebow...but I digress. I choose the players based on the "hotness" factor and their personality/faith, hence why Tebow ranks up there, while Jeff of course has bit more analytical approach. The same during March Madness, our favorite time of the year, where we fill out our brackets, me by which mascot could beat which mascot and Jeff by "did he play for Coach K?" Which I will mention is our favorite coach in the whole wide world... Say it with me...Coach K, Coach K. Nice ring, isn't it? I swear, someday for Jeff's birthday I am going to take him to Duke so that he can meet Coach K. I will be super wife!

I am also in the realization that I may be one of the only girls to admit this...I know there are others of you out there. There has to be. I can't be the only girl whose most visited site is ESPN.com. And recently I have been clued into the fact that their is espn radio...did you know this??? This could change my whole day. Instead of my children singing praise songs they might start humming chants to Tebow :) (don't worry, I only listen when they sleep).

And to top it all, I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am also a wee bit competitive. I say this as, yes pathetically, a friend of mine asked what I was entering into the fair this year and the first thought that came to my mind was "I can't tell her, what if she makes the same thing? Then I will have to up it a notch. I don't have the time to up it a notch, it's the stupid fair." Don't worry, I told her. It took some calming of the competitive nature, but i did tell her.

And to even top all of the above, I just did an entire blog post about this. **sigh**

Well...

Today I had my 6 week checkup since Calla was born. So the issue of exercise is now staring me in the face and I can't brush it under the carpet with the "I'm still healing" excuse. We don't have the money to put towards a membership...or maybe I should say, we have higher priorities at this time than spending money on a membership. So, I need to think of ways to eat less and work more. (I type this as I wipe the chip crumbs from my fingers). I find the women who have young children and still find time for working out, let alone themselves, amazing. The seem to get back into their pre-pregnancy clothes before I hear through the grapevine that they had their babies. While I can't even manage a shower without fending off two curiously mischievous kids while holding myself tight as to not waste my precious milk. Sometimes I have to wonder if I will look back on these days and chuckle about how stupid and focused on the wrong things I was. So what if I may only get a shower once a week, my hair may never be done, my rump has filled out paperwork for it's own zip code, and make-up is a foreign concept... at least I have three amazing children who adore me and make my world a chaotic whirlwind of an adventure. For this I am grateful. I really have nothing to complain about. I am blessed beyond measure. Now time to get my booty in shape and begin to feel good about my body and ensure I am around for when my daughters make posts like this :)